By Reverend Laurie DeMott

The husband throws up his hands in frustration. “Wait a second. First you said I was right; then you said she was right. Well, which is it? We can’t both be right!” The Rabbi nods his head slowly and says, “Yes, yes, you are absolutely right.”

Proverbs 26 sounds a bit like this Rabbi. In verse 4, we are told that if you try to answer fools you will become a fool yourself, but then the very next verse tells us that we should answer fools because if we don’t they will think themselves wise. In other words, Proverbs says, “If you try answering a fool, you’ll just end up looking foolish but if you don’t answer a fool, they’ll end up looking wise.” The seeming contradiction of these two verses was unsettling enough to almost prevent the Book of Proverbs from being included in the canon.

“Which is the right instruction?” ancient readers asked anxiously. “Are we supposed to confront foolishness head on or walk away?” These were the same readers who knew that if they wondered if it was okay to steal a pound of barley from their neighbor’s barn, they could open the family Bible and read the clear instruction, “They shalt not steal,” or if they were tempted to answer the coy winks of the scarlet woman beckoning to them from the street corner, they could unzip their leather covered portable Bibles and read, “Her house is the way to Sheol, going down to the chambers of death,” a clear warning to turn quickly in the other direction. The Bible was a fail-safe rule book for them that laid out the guidelines, prohibitions, and advice that would keep their feet on the straight and narrow all the way to their eternal reward but here in Proverbs 26, the clarity became badly muddled, and the former straight-as-an-arrow road suddenly zigged and zagged indecisively: “Answer fools -- don’t answer fools; confront foolishness -- ignore foolishness; if you try to respond to a fool, you will end up becoming the fool but if you don’t respond to a fool, they’ll look like the wise one.”

So, what is the Bible telling us? Should we speak or not speak? The answer is a resounding, "It depends."

Before we look more at what that answer means and what it tells us about the proper way to answer fools, I want to back up for a second and ask, "Who is the fool we are talking about?" How does the book of Proverbs define a fool? The word "fool" occurs 72 times in the book of Proverbs and it's only 31 chapters long so Proverbs is clearly obsessed with fools. If you read through all of those passages, what you will discover is that according to Proverbs, a fool is anyone who refuses to increase their knowledge of God and fails to live an upright faithful life. In other words, a fool is someone who doesn't practice religion the way you do. And while we might not be so blunt about it today, that's an accurate description of how a lot of people still think.

Last week, I spoke at the training session for Alfred University RAs, giving them some direction on how to handle religious conflicts that arose between students living in the dorm. Afterward, Kathy Woughter, the Vice President of Student Affairs told me that this was the first time the RA training had addressed issues of religious diversity.

"We immerse the RAs in diversity awareness over matters of race, sexuality, and ethnic issues and just hammer away at them," she said, "but the two areas we have never covered are religion and politics so this was very helpful." She laughed and added, "I doubt we'll ever tackle politics."

Discussions of religion can be contentious because our religious views form a sense of our identity -- of who we are -- just as strongly as our ethnic, sexual, or racial identities do, but unlike our race or our sexuality, our religious beliefs are seen by others as a matter of choice. In other words, even a racist doesn't say to a Black man, "You are a fool for being a Black man." A racist may say a lot of other bigoted things to him but wouldn't try to argue him out of being Black as if he got up this morning and foolishly chose to be Black instead of White because he wasn't willing to listen to the racist's persuasive arguments. We reserve the word "fool" for those people who choose to believe something that we don't believe, or who choose not to believe something we do.

Now, that belief or non-belief that we have characterized as foolish may be a very important part of that other person's identity -- a fundamentalist Christian may identify herself primarily by the fact that she is saved by Jesus Christ. A Muslim may identify himself primarily by the prayers he says five times a day. Our religious beliefs make us who we are just as profoundly as the color of our skin or our sexuality determines who we are, and so discussions of our religious beliefs are deeply personal and as a person who tries to be respectful of other faiths and practices, I am uncomfortable accepting the way that the book of Proverbs labels those who believe differently as fools. No matter how vehemently I may disagree with a fundamentalist Christian who tells me that I am condemned to hell because women don't belong in the pulpit, I am not going to call that person a fool. That said, however, in spite of its strong language, the Book of Proverbs does raise an important question: "When someone confronts you with a belief that is contrary to your own, do you answer them or not? When a fundamentalist Christian tells me I am destined to hell for preaching to you on Sunday mornings, do I answer her? When an atheist tells you that you are irrational for believing in God, do you answer him? When a Jehovah's Witness knocks at your door, do you answer it? Though the book of Proverbs phrases it differently than we might today, the dilemma it describes is the same, and its advice -- "it depends" -- is dead on.

There are some times, Proverbs says, when the best way to respond to an argument over religion is to walk away and say nothing.

A teacher once asked her ninth graders what was the most important thing they had learned. One student, Michael, answered, “When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don’t answer him.”

Likewise, when a person asks you, "Brother, are you saved?" the question may, in fact, be just as rhetorical. Like a telemarketer, they are there to sell you their religion and if you are not interested in buying, the best thing to do is to say, "Thank you, but I'm not interested" and walk away politely.

When I was in college, I visited New York City with my sister and a college friend, and one day as we were touring the downtown area, two young women approached us and asked us if we were saved. I'm sure they had asked a hundred people the same question and had given their salvation speech a hundred times but what they didn't know was that this time, they were talking to three people who would eventually all end up in the ministry and consequently we were more prepared than most for theological debate. In fact, by the time we were done with those two girls, they were in tears, literally shaken by their own sense of inadequacy in the face of our brilliant biblical scholarship and doctrinal knowledge. As they beat their escape, we were pretty darn proud of ourselves for having successfully won the encounter but looking back on it now, I suspect that the only thing we accomplished by our skillful arguments was to send the two girls back to their Bibles determined to improve their chances of winning the next round.

Jesus knew that sometimes the only way to win is to refuse to play the game. There were many times Jesus walked away from his detractors to leave their taunts unanswered and he told his disciples that the best response to a slap in the face is to turn the other cheek, to refuse to slap back. Likewise, when someone tries to engage you in a religious discussion or when someone makes a religious claim that you disagree with, you have to weigh whether or not the person is really interested in your opinion.

If it is a friend wanting to mull over questions of belief, then go ahead and talk.
If it is a colleague interested in learning more about your faith, then go ahead and talk.
If it is a student asking you for help on a moral dilemma, then go ahead and talk.
If it is a stranger sitting next to you on the plane who wants to know why you chose to spend your vacation building houses for Habitat for Humanity, then go ahead and talk. Tell them about God. Share your convictions. Be willing to engage in an honest give and take about belief because the discussion may strengthen both their faith and yours.

But if you think that the other person's statement is just the opening move in a game that can only end with a winner and a loser, the only way to win is not to play. Walk away (or if you are on a plane, smile politely and plug in your iPod). In the words of Proverbs, "Do not answer fools according to their folly, or you will be a fool yourself."

To engage fools in argument is to become a fool yourself, Proverbs says, unless.... it goes on to say, .... unless remaining silent will make them appear wise in which case you should reply, "Bring it on."

Over the years I have taken a lot of youth to a lot of state and national youth conventions where inevitably our kids will run into other teenagers who are practicing their ability to convert the unsaved. One evening in Hurricane, West Virginia, where we had gone to do work in some poor mountain communities, I was sitting in the dorm room with about twenty girls from various churches all lounging about playing cards and chatting when a 16 year old from a conservative southern church asked me politely what I did back in New York. When I told her I am a minister, her eyes lit up. She was excited to discover right there before her a soul in need of saving and an opportunity for her to play the savior. She fired the opening shot: "Paul said women should remain silent in church." Now, I was really tired from a long day of painting and I knew exactly how the conversation was going to go. I was no longer interested in reducing young fundamentalists to tears with my theological brilliance and I was well aware that she was not interested in hearing my arguments anyway, but as I hesitated, I noticed that the room had gone silent. 19 other girls, including two of my own youth, were waiting to hear what I would say.

Did you ever think about those stories in the Bible where Jesus tries to teach people something and they walk away unchanged? Did you ever think, "What a shame that no one listened to what he had to say?" But someone did listen, because the story was remembered and passed on and written down and here we are reading it 2000 years later. Often, the gospel that we remember is not the gospel that is preached at us but is instead the gospel we overhear. It is the soft spoken words of conviction that make sense to us even if the person they are spoken to rejects them. It is the quiet act of generosity shown toward another that makes us want to know that same capacity for generosity in our own hearts. It is the story we hear of someone else's encounter that makes us re-think our own beliefs.

I knew I wouldn't convince that 16 year old that night that there may be room in Christianity for beliefs different than her own, but the manner in which I handled myself, the thoughtful answers I gave, my understanding of the Bible, my constant assertion of deep faith, yet my insistence on respectfully disagreeing with her beliefs made sure that the other 19 girls knew that her's was not the only way to worship God and serve Christ.

To speak or not to speak; aye, that is the question. And Proverbs' answer: A definitive, "It depends!"