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Union University Church | |
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| By Reverend Laurie DeMott |
August
3, 2008 |
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| The
late writer of spiritual books and articles Elizabeth O’Connor once
said, “Forgiveness is a whole lot more difficult than any sermon makes
it out to be.” So, let’s hold that thought for the next 20 minutes
or so. But even though we know it can be very hard, forgiveness is something we Christians want to get right...to understand and live by, because we know forgiveness is right at the center of the Gospel. The heart of God…God’s grace…is about forgiveness. We can’t opt out of forgiveness. The words of Jesus are clear on this subject – we are told to forgive others from the heart. But we live in a culture that sometimes sees forgiveness as a sign of weakness, where the recommended attitude is “don’t get mad, get even”. But those who see forgiveness as a weakness don’t really understand forgiveness. Webster, and a host of spiritual writers, all seem to agree on this much: Forgiveness is, or at least starts with, a decision to let go of resentments and to forego any thoughts of revenge. Forgiveness is the act of untying ourselves from bitter thoughts and feelings that keep us bound to that wrong that was done to us. We may have a “right” to revenge…to get even. But in forgiving, we forego that right. It’s important to understand, too, what forgiveness isn’t: It’s not “forgetting” the wrong that was done. We may never forget, especially in the case of a serious hurt, because the wrong done to us will be part of who we are for as long as we live. Forgiveness is certainly not condoning or justifying the wrong that was done, or excusing it, or inviting a repeat of it. It’s also not the same as “pardoning” someone. A pardon releases a person from the consequences of the act – forgiveness does not. It’s not the same as reconciliation. It opens the door to it, but reconciliation may never come, and it’s not required for forgiveness to happen. There are a lot of good reasons to practice forgiveness – spiritual reasons…and physical reasons too, as it turns out. Researchers have recently become interested in studying the effects of being unforgiving, and being forgiving. A staff chaplain at the Mayo Clinic by the name of Katherine Piderman writes in an article that evidence is mounting that holding onto grudges and bitterness results in long-term health problems. Forgiveness, she says, on the other hand, offers these benefits: • Lower blood pressure • Lower heart rate • Less hostility • Lower risk of alcohol or substance abuse • Fewer depression or anxiety symptoms • More friendships • Healthier relationships • Improved psychological well-being • Greater religious or spiritual well-being Dr. Piderman writes that forgiveness is done primarily for yourself, and less so for the person who wronged you. We sometimes hear stories of really extraordinary acts of forgiveness and are inspired by them. A few months ago the book group here at our church read the book Amish Grace –subtitled “How Forgiveness Transcended Tragedy”. I’m not in the book group, but Jan is, so I usually wind up reading the books. I really liked this book. It tells the story of how the Amish of Nickel Mines, Pennsylvania found forgiveness in their hearts for the man who walked into an Amish school in October 2006, and then shot and killed five school girls and seriously wounded five others, before taking his own life. The Amish families of the victims almost immediately reached out and offered forgiveness to the family of the man who had done this thing—they lived in the area, and in their hearts, quickly forgave the perpetrator – something they wanted and needed to do even though he was deceased. In the media there was some criticism of this – that it came too easy, too fast -- that it minimized the terrible thing that it happened. But many of the Amish talked about the need to forgive if we want God to forgive us – and, so as not to be consumed by bitterness or the desire for revenge. Amish Grace not only gave me a new appreciation for Amish life and culture and spiritual values, it helped me to renew my own commitment to forgiving others…to looking for places in my heart where I might still hold a long-buried grudge…and to seeking forgiveness when I have done wrong. I recently heard another story of extraordinary forgiveness on the NBC Nightly News. You may have seen it. A couple of weeks ago, they told about a man in San Diego who found it in his heart to forgive his son’s killer, and then to build something positive from that. The man is Azim Khamisa. In 1995, his son, Tariq, a 20-year-old college student, was shot and killed while delivering pizza, by a 14-year-old boy named Tony Hicks. When Tariq was laid to rest, Azim said he stayed at the grave a very long time, but he walked away having resolved to forgive Tony Hicks. He said his choices were forgiveness, or be consumed with hatred and a burning desire for vengeance. He decided to forgive. He formed the “Tariq Khamisa Foundation” which works to bring an anti-violence message to school-aged children. Azim first reached out with forgiveness to the grandfather of the killer, and then Azim and Tony Hicks’ grandfather began appearing jointly at schools all over the area. In the past 12 years they have carried their anti-violence message to more than a million young people. Azim later began visiting Tony Hicks in prison, and he’s now lobbying for Tony’s early release. He says he has a job for Tony at the “Tariq Khamisa Foundation” if and when Tony is released. Azim Khamisa is a Muslim. I’ll have to say I don’t know what Islam teaches specifically about forgiveness, but do I know that we who believe in the God of Abraham, no matter how that belief is expressed, have put our faith in a God who is, you could say, obsessive about forgiveness. These stories of extraordinary forgiveness do inspire us and give us a deeper understanding of its meaning, but most of the forgiving that we are called to do is more ordinary and closer to home. It involves a wrong done at work, or in a church, or at home between spouses, or ex-spouses, between parent and child, or between in-laws, or hurt feelings among siblings, or between friends…petty grudges…resentments…any of which, without forgiveness, can leave a trail of bitterness in our hearts. About 11 years ago I became angry, disgusted really, with a family member over issues involving the care of my mother in her last years, and the deceptive way, as I saw it, that some of her property had been removed from her house and disposed of, and without my mother knowing the truth about what was going on. We had some very harsh words between us about this on the phone, and then didn’t speak at all for a number of years. But when I learned from another person that this family member was facing personal tragedy with the sudden death of a spouse, I wanted to reach out, and I couldn’t do that unless I forgave, and let go of the grudge. I did reach out and that put us back in contact. And we did reconcile and become close again. In this case, we never spoke of those past problems. There was no admission of wrong-doing by anyone. None of that seemed necessary anymore. It’s been said that time heals everything. But time alone does not heal. It was time, along with forgiveness, that brought healing in my situation, and opened the door to reconciliation. Many of us have experienced a time when someone has hurt us, deceived us, or taken advantage of us… or, like in the situation I just described, hurt someone for whom we feel responsible in some way. Maybe something happened this morning, or last week, a month ago…or years ago, and once planted deep in the recesses of our heart, these feelings can be hard to uproot. In his last book, Letters to Malcolm, C.S. Lewis writes these words, "Last week in prayer, I discovered, or at least I think I did, that I suddenly was able to forgive someone that I had been trying to forgive for over thirty years." We can take some consolation in those words. Forgiveness begins with a decision, but it is something we pray for and struggle for, and it can come quickly, but especially when it is something big…a deep hurt, it might take years. Some say we are not obligated to forgive as commanded in Matthew 18 unless the offender has first repented. I did find this idea in my research, and it’s based more on what Luke has to say about forgiveness than what we find in Matthew. But I think that emphasis turns this into something legalistic, and it’s not. Forgiveness is a manifestation of the grace of God in our lives. It’s not about obligations or determining who we must forgive. We long to forgive, and to be forgiven. It’s part of our spiritual nature, as people of faith. So why can we find it so hard to do? It shouldn’t take a personal tragedy in a family member’s life for to me to get motivated to forgive, but it did. Methodist Bishop and theologian William Willimon writes: "the human animal is not supposed to be good at forgiveness. Forgiveness is not some innate, natural human emotion. Vengeance, retribution, violence, these are natural human qualities”, he says. “It is natural for the human animal to defend itself, to snarl and crouch into a defensive position when attacked, to howl when wronged, to bite back when bitten. “Forgiveness”, Reverend Willimon says, “is not natural. It is not a universal human virtue". But if I were to poll each one here this morning, I know we would all agree that in any circumstance of wrongdoing, we would either want to forgive—we’d want to—or to be forgiven. As followers of Jesus, we know that forgiveness is an essential part of our faith journey. It is central to all of the teachings of Jesus. He even left this earthly life offering forgiveness to those who participated in his death. Matthew 18 is easy enough to understand. It’s not one of those
difficult passages that we have to wrestle with. The understanding of
it is easy. It’s the living of it that can be hard. But still, we
continue to bravely pray, “Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our
debtors”…realizing that we are asking God to forgive us—or
not—in the very same way that we forgive those who have wronged
us. |
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